The night before my first day of first grade, my parents sat me down and warned me, "Never trade your recess snacks with another kid or eat something they give you, because they could be trying to poison you!" Then my mother made me memorize some insults I could hurl and my dad taught me how to throw a punch. What the hell?? This set the stage for 12 years of me always being on my guard and ready for trouble. No wonder I didn't have any friends! (MP)